The Ugly Side of Church

I spent some time last night talking with a good friend of mine over the phone. We’ve got history - something that I can only say about a handful of people that I still keep in contact with on a regular basis. He called to blow off some steam about junk that was happening in his church - people’s egos getting the best of them, putting undue pressure and angst on the leadership, and rehashing the same petty arguments that they seem to raise every couple of years.

I wish I could say it is a unique story in my life, but it’s not. I have another friend who is hurting, struggling to live the life that God has called him to live in the midst of the church that God has called him to help lead, but with the barriers of volunteers attacking him behind his back and an unsupportive church staff around him. Another who had to deal with years of undue criticism and betrayal from the same groups of people. Still others who, because of the same kinds of situations in their churches, now find themselves outside of the realm of professional church staff - some doing things completely different than the kinds of ministries they were a part of 5 or 10 years ago.

The same kind of pettiness, the same kind of junk, with the same kind of results - wounded church staff struggling to serve as each day goes by. I’ve been there - the ugly side of church polity that seems to creep into the lives of even the best of men and women.

When I hear stories like these, I usually have three responses:

1. My heart breaks for my friends - guys who have followed God’s leading into now difficult situations, who are beat up, depressed, and feeling lost.
2. My heart breaks for the Church - for what I know it can be - even in the midst of the ugliness that it is at times.
3. I thank God for church staff - men and women who are giving everything they have to the people they have been called to serve, all the while having to wade through the muck that comes with the job.

It’s not an easy job. Being in the midst of the ugly side of church can dampen the brightest zeal and God-given passion.

If this is you, may I offer a few words of encouragement and advice?

• Remember who the real enemy is - While it can be tempting to think of difficult and sometimes abusive people as the enemy in our lives, they aren’t. We have one enemy and it’s not that parent/board member/deacon/outspoken church member/fill-in-the-blank.
• Do an honest self-check of your own weaknesses and problem points - sometimes we can’t completely point the finger at others because there are some truths in the midst of the false accusations. I’ve seen wounded men and women run from a difficult situation and find themselves in the same exact spot in a different church at a different time. A friend once told me, “God won’t let you run from what He is trying to work out in your heart/life.“ Sift through the rubble and see if there is something that you can take to heart and work on your own life.
• Gain some leadership and people skills - For a job that is so people-centric it is amazing how many staff members I’ve seen who have such poor people skills. If this is you, put yourself under the guidance and mentorship of an older, more experienced minister - someone who has been through what you are going through and can help give you godly wisdom on how to deal with the situation. Attend a leadership conference (like Catalyst) or look for others who exhibit the qualities you’d like to have and then learn from them.
• Protect yourself and your family - There is no church that is worth losing your spouse or family to abuse over. Never allow someone to speak against your spouse or children. I hear of too many people in ministry who allow too much to roll off their backs when they should have stiffer spines and speak up. I’d even go as far as to say that if ministry is dividing your marriage or family that you need to walk away - even if it is temporarily - so you can focus on your higher priorities. More of this in a later post…

If you need someone to talk with - whether I know you very well or not - I’m a good listener, and I’ve ‘been there, done that.‘ Contact me using the form on this site and I’ll get ahold of you ASAP. And know that I’m praying for you.

Posted 09.15.2008

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